


NASA doesn't have these problems

by frith_in_thorns



Category: Wolf 359 (Radio)
Genre: Eiffel's freakouts are occasionally justified, Extreme Danger Bug, Friendship, Gen, Hera just wants a pet, Season 2, Spiders, improper use of the emergency siren
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-08
Updated: 2017-10-08
Packaged: 2019-01-10 21:48:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12308490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frith_in_thorns/pseuds/frith_in_thorns
Summary: "Enough!" Minkowski ordered. She waited for silence. "Now, calmly and sensibly, someone tell mewhat the hell is going on?"There was a long, tense pause."Hera's trying to kill us all, is what," Eiffel said.





	NASA doesn't have these problems

**Author's Note:**

> This is for my friend Joe, who has proper appreciation for arachnids.

The scream was loud enough that it would have echoed through the station even if it hadn't also been broadcast over the comm network. As it was, it was loud enough to pretty much blast out Minkowski's eardrums. She clapped her hands over her ears. "Hera!"

Not unexpectedly, the emergency siren broke out at that point, adding to the cacophony. Minkowski ground the heels of her hands further into the sides of her head. "Hera, _shut this up!_! Eiffel, stop screaming!"

"Commander!" Okay, that wasn't screaming, but it was still shouting, which made it not much of an improvement. "You need to get to my location right now!"

"Yes, I'm _on the way_ , are we exploding?"

"No, I — Look, Hera, I'm not moving, okay? Can you _please_ turn off the alarm?"

Mercifully, Hera did so. 

Minkowski turned into one of the cargo bays — it didn't hold much that was immediately useful, so she was rarely in here. There was no fast-acting air leak or depressurisation, she could tell that immediately, and she couldn't smell anything burning — In fact, the only thing indicating a problem was Eiffel floating near one of the walls, his arms clenched over his chest. "Where's the emergency?" she demanded.

"There's no emergency, Commander," Hera said. 

"Excuse me?" Eiffel demanded. "I very much beg to differ!"

"What did you do?" Minkowski asked him.

Eiffel became pretty much apoplectic. "What did I do? What did _I_ — No, this is on Hera. _Entirely_ and completely on our resident Skynet slash Hal slash every other evil robot in existence!"

"That is absolutely uncalled for language —"

"I'd say it's completely called for —"

"Enough!" Minkowski ordered. She waited for silence. "Now, calmly and sensibly, someone tell me _what the hell is going on?_ "

There was a long, tense pause.

"Hera's trying to kill us all, is what," Eiffel said.

"Officer Eiffel, that is slander, and I —"

"Stop!" She let silence fall again, then exhaled angrily. "Calmly and sensibly. Do you two know what those words mean?"

"Yes," Eiffel muttered. 

"Yes, Sir," Hera said. "But —"

Minkowski held up her hand. "One. At. A. Time. Eiffel, you go first. No dramatics. Facts only." He opened his mouth, and she added, "And no references."

He folded his arms stiffly, broadcasting offence which Minkowski could frankly care less about at that point. "Commander. I was down here for… reasons irrelevant to the matter at hand. And I heard a suspicious noise coming from behind that panel." He pointed across the hold, to where an access panel swung partly open.

"A suspicious noise."

"Well, _a_ noise. Which is pretty suspicious, really, considering there isn't supposed to _be_ anything behind there, right, Hera?"

"Save the editorialising," Minkowski said. "So —"

"So I decided to try and open it. And then Hera started yelling at me to go away and mind my own business."

"Well, you _should have_ ," Hera muttered, angrily. "Anyway, you were yelling too! And screaming!"

"And you _set off the emergency alarm!_ "

"You apparently needed a hint to back off!"

"Hera," Minkowski said. "What's behind that panel?"

There was a long silence.

" _Hera._ "

"Look, don't hurt them, okay?" Hera said. "I know they get a bad rap and all, but Eiffel's _way_ overreacting, and he wouldn't even have found them at all if he hadn't been poking about where he shouldn't be —"

Minkowski advanced, ignoring the choked noise Eiffel made, and flipped open the panel. She stared, confused, at the pale _stuff_ behind it. "What am I —"

" _Spiders,_ " Eiffel hissed.

"Stop saying it like that!" Hera complained. "You're being so speciest!"

Minkowski looked more closely at the… webbing… strung between the pipes and access points. She jerked back at a sudden scuttling motion. A spider half-emerged into the light, and then scrabbled around its web to hide again. 

"Is there a flamethrower in the weapons locker?" Eiffel asked.

"Commander?" Hera said. "I realise this may look bad…"

"You think?" Eiffel demanded.

"They're not doing anything," Hera protested. "I'm keeping an eye on them."

"They look distinctly similar to the one that tried to kill me!"

"Ye-es," Hera admitted. "But these ones haven't done anything to you! You would never have known about them if you hadn't insisted on opening that panel when I kept telling you not to!"

A very small light was shining in one corner. Minkowski leaned forward very carefully to inspect it. It was a camera. "I take it you've been getting them food somehow?" she asked.

Guilty silence gave her the answer.

"How many are there?"

"…Five," Hera admitted. "They're all in that space, though. They can't roam through the station or anything."

Eiffel's expression became that of someone who had not previously considered this possibility, but was now picturing spiders emerging from every hatch on the _Hephaestus_.

Minkowski took a very deep breath, and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Hera. _Why?_ "

"They're my pets," Hera muttered, mutinously. "You get to have Eiffel."

Eiffel spluttered indignantly. "Commander. You've got to make her get rid of them."

"Commander, just because Officer Eiffel can't behave rationally —"

"Oh my _god_ ," Minkowski said. Not for the first time, she wished that Hera had a corporeal form, so that she had something specific to glare at. At lease Eiffel looked suitably cowed, for the moment. "Hera, you can't just keep venomous spiders in a hatch without telling anyone! And Eiffel —" Sadly, she couldn't think of anything specific he'd done _wrong_ in completely freaking out.

Eiffel gave her a very wounded look. 

What had she done to deserve being stuck 7.8 lightyears from home with _this_ crew? NASA didn't have these problems. 

"Okay," she said, when the expectant silence got too much for her. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but Hera, you can keep those things. If they go into one of the tanks from Dr Selberg's lab. A _sealed_ tank. If a single one gets loose I'll let Eiffel loose on them with a flamethrower."

"Commander," Eiffel hissed.

"As long as she takes care of them, there should be no problem. As Hera pointed out, we keep you around. They probably have better personal hygiene."

"Commander!"

"Eiffel, this station is still recovering from almost falling apart when Hera was offline. Some spiders are by far the least likely thing to kill us right now."

"But —"

"Can I borrow Hilbert to help rehouse them?" Hera asked.

"Ugh, I suppose so," Minkowski said. 

"But, _Commander_ —"

"Eiffel, you're now on Hilbert-guarding duty for this. One more complaint and you'll be actually helping with the spiders. Got it?"

Eiffel muttered rebelliously. 

"Great!" Hera said, cheerfully. "I'll just tell Hilbert the good news."

Minkowski slammed the panel back in place, to make sure no spiders went wandering off in the meantime.

Eiffel was still giving her wounded looks. "But why?" he asked. "Did you agree to this literally to torture me?"

"Hera's got a camera in there to watch them," Minkowski said.

Eiffel made a face. "I know she's having a tough time," he said. "This, though… it's _weird_."

Minkowski shrugged. "Maybe," she said. "If it's making her feel better, though, to look after them…"

"I guess," Eiffel said, reluctantly. "Spider-cams, though? What's wrong with the classic kittens, or fish?"

Minkowski rolled her eyes. "How many kittens or fish do you see around here?"

Eiffel sighed. "Point. Okay. I'll leave her alone about it. If I ever see one hairy leg floating towards me though —"

"I got it," Minkowski said.

"Flamethrower time."

"Yes, I got it."

"Roast up those evil, venom-dripping fangs —"

"Officer Eiffel, you do realise I can still hear you?" Hera said.

"Obviously," Eiffel said. "Okay, let's go find a creepy box for your creepy pets. Commander?"

"Yeah, go ahead," Minkowski said. "I'm going back to engineering."

She left the howls of protest behind her. They'd work it out.


End file.
